Falling in Love

How quickly do you fall in love? Yes, yes, I’m talking to YOU.

Have you ever been in love? Has it just hurt so much? 

What does it feel like? Is it suffocating, irrevocable, can’t-get-them-out-of-your-head love? That happens after you sleep with them but before you hit date 3? Does it rewind and reverse itself after you get to date 3 and realize they have flaws? Or does it continue on in a dizzying pace? I imagine myself standing on a highway, cars zooming past at death defying speeds and my hair is whipping against my face, the only part that stings. I’m missing the cars, but with everyone that passes, a strand slapping at my cheeks reminds me I’m not invincible. I’m just lucky the pain isn’t worse.

Was it slow, like the snow that falls in big flakes, but quietly becomes 4 feet before you had a chance to realize a blizzard was on your doorstep? Then you’re left staring out the window, wondering if you should brave the storm, so that you can get out tomorrow. Your other option is to watch the beauty build, from inside your house, where it can’t actually touch you. Which one sounds better? 

I want to know. I’m scared that I’m in love and it’s too overwhelming and scary. I’m almost more terrified that I’m not, and that he’ll go away and I could lose the best thing I’ve ever had.

What makes the good become great, and what makes you become mine? Help me understand.  

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The 2 Text Rule

Recently, I’ve begun the journey that is a new relationship. Even saying the word ‘relationship’ makes me cringe. Because let’s be rudely honest for a second – its not a relationship – it is a hook-up. And my hook-up is frustrating the hell out of me.

I’m going to lay some groundwork here for your review.
-We’ve slept together.
-We’ve gone on dates.
-He’s told me he likes me.
-I’ve told him I liked him.
-He offered for me to meet his parents.

I’m away on a business trip.

When we text – it will only be 2 times by the person that started the conversation.

Example:
“Hey I saw this funny joke and it went BLAH BLAH BLAH”
“HAHAHA That’s so funny – it reminds me of BLAH BLAH BLAH”
“I know right? it’s so crazy, I can’t event believe it!”
…..NO RESPONSE.

Okay – am I crazy here? What is this bullshit? Is he not that into me? I’m coming off a previous relationship (actual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship) and I’m used to constant attention & affection, so granted, this is new for me. HOWEVER, I’ve also been taught that if they text you, they like you. Again – he does text me first (we are REALLY into taking turns texting – I mean what is this – 1st grade – can someone PLEASE break the goddamn mold? but LOL it can’t be me. Now you’re just talking plain crazy!)

So someone – clue me in. Why do we do this to ourselves? My one friend was like “Yo – chill out – just have fun! Hang out with him, relax with him, get sexual with him – just make sure you’re having FUN!” …HAHA HEY FRIEND? You know what’s not fun AT ALL? Feeling anxious all the time waiting for him to text back. Having all of these weird emotions inside of me that I don’t know what to do with; these emotions that make me want to run 10 miles, and then run another 20, because I’m trying to run away from what I feel inside; these emotions that are dying to burst out of me so I can stop feeling so freakin’ much about everything, all the time; THAT’S what’s not fun at ALL. So, I get it when you say “just have fun” – because I can do that – with almost any guy you give me. I can do that with all these guys that I don’t have any feelings for, at all, whatsoever. But this guy? This guy is not fun. Because I feel too much, I want too much from him, and it is all starting to spin out of control. So you know what? I’m gonna sit right here, and stare at my phone, knowing that he won’t text me back, but hoping that maybe he likes me enough to break this stupid 2 text rule. Because I sure as hell do not have the gumption to do that right now.

What I Like

I like….
-Venti Iced Coffees with Soy Milk.
-Running and anything that relates to running
-Newness
-Familiarity found only with your closest friends
-Driving on a spring day
-Spring
-Fall
-A snow day
-Vacation
-Vodka sodas with a splash of cran
-Beaches
-YOU
-Sex for the first time that is only a little bit awkward
-The thought of love
-The thought that I might fall in love someday
-Thinking I might fall in love with the person you just met 3 weeks ago
-MUSIC. MUSIC. MORE MUSIC.

I don’t like…
-Anxiety
-Hangovers
-Gaining weight
-The absence of hills
-Getting left behind
-Growing apart
-Growing up
-Getting old
-Finding out the grass isn’t greener

Getting Over Your Best Friend

I broke up with him. That should make it easy – right? Life has instructed us that the “breaker-upper” is the one that can move on with their lives, and find the person that they’ve been searching for. The other person is left broken-hearted and can’t move on for a looong time. 

That’s what life tells us. 

But what if you broke up with your best friend? Because sometimes, relationships don’t work. Despite the love, and the commitment, people are at different places in their lives. I was growing up, getting a job, keeping 8-5 hours; he wasn’t. He was hanging out with friends in their boxer shorts until 10pm, when they would make Chipotle runs. He could run in the middle of the day and not shower. We were at incredibly different points in our lives and it was ruining any type of relationship we had. 

But that doesn’t make moving on any easier. I miss the way he made me laugh at absolutely nothing; I miss the easy conversations; I miss having someone to hug; I miss having someone to cry to at the end of said work day. Most of all, I miss my best friend. 

So – how do you get over your best friend? Do you stay in touch with the understanding that your relationship won’t work at this point in your lives? Do you half move on and half hang on? How does it work? Do you date other people so that someday you can realize why you’re perfect for each other? What if they find someone else who is more perfect? 
I guess, you move on as much as you’re capable and hope that someday, life will guide you in the right direction. Maybe, someday he will grow up and you can be at the same place at the same time. Or maybe that will never happen, and you and he can just know that it could’ve been the best thing you ever had but… it wasn’t. And that will have to be enough.

SLAMMING the door shut

The first year of my post grad life is coming to a close.

I have all of these emotions all at once. I remember walking across the stage last year, almost 20 pounds heavier, so sunburned, so hungover and so incredibly sad that this huge part of my life was ending. I kept thinking everything was over that day. I had this moment a bit earlier in a frat basement where a friend and I cried in a hallway, hugging each other while the song “fun” played loudly around us. After that moment, I didn’t cry again until my boyfriend left my house five days after graduation. Something about him walking out the door to drive away to a big city while I sat at home struck me as so very final. My bed was my constant companion for the following forty-eight hours.

Then – I got myself up, semi-dressed, and began applying for jobs. I applied for every and ANY job. Looking back, I know recruiters and HR departments hated me to my very core. I was inexperienced, applying for jobs I didn’t have any right to seriously consider, and applying for jobs I truly didn’t want. My idea was that I just needed A job. As life would have it, I landed a job that I would end up quitting four weeks later and my “post-grad career” had begun.

SO MANY MISTAKES I have made in this past year. SO MUCH I have learned. I would go back and do college again in a hearbeat, but if that meant I had to re-do this past year, I think I would seriously consider the pros and cons. When I say I was miserable, I was so freaking miserable, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

When you have such a phenomenal college experience, surrounded by your best friends and attending a college that promoted working hard and playing hard the way my lovely, small-town liberal arts college did, you don’t just get over that in a day. My dad famously quoted “You will be depressed for a year after college, but then, you’ll move on. It is like getting over a first love.”

That it was. My first love: College (let’s be serious, my ONLY love so far). But it has been a serious struggle, and that is why I am so excited to put this year behind me.

I am moving into a new apartment this Friday (THANK THE BABY JESUS!), and out of a basement apartment in the middle of nowhere (at least, in DC standards, the middle of nowhere). I also am moving in with two friends (not a random girl that I really do not care to ever speak to again) and moving into a nicer complex. Life is looking up 🙂

Also – I am actively searching for a new job. I like what I do at my job; I love my co-workers; I work at a company with less than six people. It is a struggle to go to lunch, let alone take a vacation day. I know at age twenty-two (soon to be twenty-three) that I do not want my work to be my life. I think that’s why I really cannot go to law school, despite my burning desire to learn and practice law. I know that I will never be able to devote 90 hours a week to work, it is just not me. I love too many other things about life to be stuck doing one thing all of the time.

Alas, I digress into subjects that are really best saved for a rainy day.

I just wanted to shout to the mountains that I AM FREE of this god damn hell-hole, and I’m coming upon my one year anniversary of post grad life and I’m very excited to OPEN UP A NEW CHAPTER!

11 Things We Need to Stop Paying for in Our 20s

We are collectively broke. Even if we make a fair amount of money, we have no idea how to budget that money. If we do know how to budget that money, we are making little to nothing. We have student loans, rent, grocery bills, car payments, the list could go on – forever. And yet, we shell out big bucks (or little dollars repeatedly) for unnecessary items all the time. This needs to stop.

1) Taxis The night begins when you’re all gathered around a kitchen table sipping on drinks (smart! you’re not paying for those $8 drinks out!), preparing yourselves for the night ahead. And someone goes “when does the next train leave?” – because the metro stop is 2 blocks away and it is only 4 stops from your normal bar scene. “10 minutes” is the response. Oh shit, we only have 2 minutes to finish our drinks, 2 minutes to gather up all of our belongings, get in the elevator, and then only 6 minutes to walk there. We’re not going to make it!!! So someone suggests “Let’s take a taxi this one time.” And poof – everyone is taking a taxi and you’re shelling out $10 because your friend doesn’t have cash (on the ride in and out – how does that happen?) when it should have cost you $2.

2) $10 dollar drinks You know how I said you weren’t buying those $8 dollar drinks? Well, now “happy hour” is over and those drinks are $10. You’re getting drunker, and $10 per drink seems like a BARGAIN! Slow your roll moneybags, your bank account knows $10 is a heap of money, so lay off the LITs or lemon drop shotz and grab a beer – that will only cost $4.

3) Starbucks or Dunkin’ or Seattle’s Best or that cute coffee shop down the street that makes awesome lattes. STOP. YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT!

4) Shipping God, how lazy are we? Most of us live in a city, or relatively close to a shopping mall. From personal experience, there are 4 shopping malls within 10 miles. I think all the stores I need are near me. And yet, I’m cruising through sales online, piling things in my shopping bag and feeling like I just hit the lottery because there are SO MANY SALES. Turns out, $2 off doesn’t equal the $10 shipping you will pay. And if it’s not in stores or you live in Bumblef**k America, at least Google a code for free shipping.

5) Internet Granted, this one is not our fault. But why do we all agree to pay $30 or $45 extra dollars per month for internet on our phones? Who came up with that idea, and why are we all agreeing?

6) Parking If you don’t live in a city, this may not apply to you. However, I do live in a city, and I need to stop paying for parking. I drive to lunch, and pay for parking. My office building is 6 blocks away – why do I do this to myself?

7) Eating Out Going with the above statement… I need to stop paying for lunch out at restaurants. Dinner and breakfast can hop on that bandwagon too. Yes, chipotle, starbucks, Cosi and 5 other restaurants are 6 blocks away. But $10 there could equal 4 meals at home. That extra 3 minutes of prep time does not equal 3 other meals. Why why why. 

8)  Cover Charge There are plenty of other bars that don’t charge cover charge. Why do we insist on going to the ones with the $5 or $10 cover? They aren’t that cool and if we collectively move to a non-cover charge bar, we’d be much happier. Or we could show up at 10:50 instead of 11:04 and not pay cover either way.

9) Living Social/Groupon Deals OHHH wine tasting for 2! Weekend getaway for only $1,000! Fix your iphone screen for only $45?! OKAY! ….You can’t afford these. You’re iphone isn’t broken if you can still use the touch screen and since when do we enjoy tasting red wine? Is there a difference between Barefoot and Franzia? Jesus, you’re 20 not 50 and you don’t need a weekend getaway or a wine tasting. Turn off your subscription and stop torturing yourself.

10) Subscriptions This can be all encompassing: HBO, Magazines, Hulu, Netflix, Netflix, Netflix. Okay – you’re parents (who make a lot more than you) do not have netflix. And you have access to the internet where you can stream anything… for FREE. Buy yourself a cord that connects your laptop to your tv (Because that will only cost you $30 bucks once instead of once every 3 months) and enjoy free movies. Not free once you pay your monthly fee. Ditto with HBO.

11) Books Hey – don’t get me wrong, I’m all about authors and books and when we hit 30 or the proverbial lottery, this is the first item to come off my list. But for now… get yourself a library card. You can take out e-books, real books and DVDs. All for free as long as your return them on time and don’t let your dog chew them. You’re welcome.

You again.

We met almost two years ago now.

You had just graduated college; it was the summer before my senior year. I remember the first time I saw you, I thought, “ugh.” You looked angry, and out of place. I was nervous; I was the only girl counselor among four guys. You weren’t nice at first, but you weren’t mean either. You just were.

You got assigned to work with me. I’m not sure if it was because you would seem the least foreboding to 10-year old girls or because you were the only one who volunteered, but there you were. We spent that entire summer together, working on the asphalt with little girls, teaching them that basketball can be fun! We would walk to Alice’s to get ice cream; get really lost in the woods; coach together (where I would get really nervous and you would stay really calm); play 1-on-1 together; and just sit together, talking or not talking. And somewhere along the way, I fell in love.

You were everything I loved about life: kind, caring, careless, an athlete, smart, funny, witty, I could go on forever. I craved spending time with you, simply because you made life seem brighter.

And then the summer was over. We live across the country from each other, and I never had the courage to tell you how I felt. I was a coward. I still am a coward. I should have blurted it out all at once; ripped the band-aid off, and then I would at least know if you felt the same way. If not, I could have moved on.

But no. Instead, two years later, you still haunt me in my dreams. I dream that we are spending time together (anywhere, everywhere, just you and i) but every time I come close to saying “I really like you, I think I love you but I don’t want to freak you out, scare you away” – I wake up.

So here, I’m saying it: I really like(d) you, and I think I was in love with you. I think I still would be if you and I were in the same place. I miss you.